


Don't Leave

by Cherrypie55



Series: Vault Era one shots [9]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, F/M, Missy has PTSD about the Doctor leaving, Post-Episode: s10e08 The Lie of the Land, The Vault (Doctor Who)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29094162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrypie55/pseuds/Cherrypie55
Summary: Set after S10ep8 The Lie of the Land.Missy tells the Doctor she has begun to remember all the people she killed. Six months alone has given her too much time to think, too much time to remember. Their screams haunt her and she's terrified to be left alone again.Another part in my vault era series. Can be read as a direct continuation of part 7 'Being Good'.
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor/Missy
Series: Vault Era one shots [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702705
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Don't Leave

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've written one of these but this idea has been rattling around for a while now. I've been working on my multi chapter twissy story and haven't had a chance to get it down. I've finished the writing on that now though so hopefully we'll see the return of some vault era stuff soon. Enjoy!

Missy and the Doctor were sat together in the vault. The drama of him going blind and the monks was over. They hadn’t spoken of the six months he’d spent away again, not since he’d discovered the state she’d let herself get in in his absence.

“I keep remembering all the people I’ve killed.” Missy said suddenly feeling the need to tell him.

She was staring at the artificial fire from the chair she was sat in. The Doctor was beside her but she was turned away from him, silently crying. She had been for some time but he’d yet to notice, his magazine rustled as he closed it, letting her know she had his attention.

“Every day I think of more. Being bad,” she paused as her voice caught in her throat, a sob threatening to escape “being bad drowned that out. I didn’t know I even knew their names.” Her accent getting thicker and her voice smaller as she tried desperately to keep the pain inside quiet.

She looked at him then. Turned her tear streaked face towards him.

“You didn’t tell me about this bit.” It sounded accusatory because it was.

This pain was his fault.

“I’m sorry, but this is good.” His voice full of pity and hope.

It was unbearable.

“Okay.” She said turning away again.

The dancing fire only reminding her more of all the blood on her hands. She could feel him staring at her.

“Stop looking at me like that, like I’ve changed, like I’m different, like I couldn’t carve you open where you stand and paint pictures with your pretty, pretty blood. Like I couldn’t rip one of your hearts out just to see how much it bleeds and it would still be nothing, NOTHING, compared this.” Missy ranted, the tears streaking her porcelain skin.

“But you wouldn’t.” The Doctor replied softly.

No she wouldn’t. Once upon a time but not now. No not now.

“What’s the point in all this? Being here. Trying to be good. What’s the point when you won’t forgive me.” She asked unable to quiet the pain any longer.

“Missy I .. I do forgive you.” He told her leaning forward in his chair like he was going to come to her.

She laughed, a manic throaty emotional sound.

“How? How could you possibly forgive me when” Missy swallowed “when I can’t forgive myself.” She finished in a whisper.

The Doctor stepped from his chair and squatted down beside her, reaching out to touch her arm.

“Don’t touch me.” Her voice lacking its usual venom.

“I understand what it feels like to feel guilty.” The warmth from his hand seeping into her bones.

She snorted. “Right because you destroyed one planet but oh wait actually it turns out you didn’t really destroy it after all.”

“That doesn’t change the guilt I carried around for centuries. The guilt I still carry. Just because time was rewritten doesn’t mean I didn’t destroy it, I committed genocide on my own people that feeling doesn’t suddenly go away.” He stood up then, the spot where his hand had laid feeling cold. “And even if Gallifrey doesn’t count I still fought in the Time War. I’ve still committed crimes. Trust me I understand.” 

He turned and looked like he was going to walk away. He couldn’t leave. 

“Have you burned entire worlds just to see the patterns the smoke makes?” she asked jumping to her feet “Have you slaughtered entire cities because they didn’t have a room for you in their hotel?” she stepped towards him and grabbed his arm turning him to face her. 

“This isn’t a pissing contest Missy. A game of I’m bad but you’re worse. This is about you learning that what you did was wrong, it was senseless and violent. Sometimes the only options we have are bad ones, I’m trying to show you that you can still be kind.” He pulled his arm out of her grasp. 

“And this is you being kind is it? Locking me up forcing me to relive these things over and over until it feels like the walls are dripping with blood and I’m going to drown.” She cried. 

“What would you have me do let them execute you instead?” his voice raising.

“Maybe you should have.” She shouted now.

Once again he turned and continued walking towards the exit of the vault. He couldn’t just leave! How could he walk out and just ignore her, ignore this, like it was nothing? This burning, clawing pain inside her chest. The swirling mass of guilt that was trying to rip and tear her apart from within. Missy grabbed the nearest thing she could find, a book from one of the side tables, and launched it at vault door. It sailed past his head missing by inches, on purpose of course if she had wanted to hit him she would have. 

“I hate you.” She screamed in rage as he turned to face her.

He scowled but didn’t respond before turning his back on her again.

“Don’t go.” She pleaded quietly. His movements stilled but he didn’t face her. She stepped forward quickly and grasped his hand. “It hurts.”

“I know.” He said softly, his eyes reaching hers.

“Make it stop.” her tears beginning their free fall again.

His other hand came up and brushed the tears away.

“I can’t. Even if I could I wouldn’t. You’re feeling bad about doing bad things, that’s good. Really it is.” He told her gently.

“I’m never going to be you, you know.” She said squeezing his hand.

He breathed out a laugh and squeezed back “Well that’s good, most days I can’t stand myself.” 

Missy tried to laugh but it came out more like a sob. 

“Stay?” she asked again desperately.

“I can’t I have marking to do.” He rubbed his face with his free hand but didn’t let go of her with his other.

“Bring it down here. I can help. I can forge your writing. Do you remember when I’d write your essays for you?” she was desperate now, referencing their younger years at The Academy.

The idea of being alone again ate at her. Her already fragile mind had suffered during the time she had been left alone. It had given her too much time to think, the screams and blood of her victims haunted her. 

“Please?” she prompted when he didn’t reply immediately.

“Yes I remember.” He paused “Okay. I’ll bring the essays and some food. How does Thai sound?” 

She recognised his attempts to get her to put some of the weight she had lost back on but she didn’t care.

“From Thailand?” she asked hopefully.

“From the place round the corner.” He said disappointingly. “I’ll be half an hour.”

Missy didn’t realise how hard she was gripping his hand until his thumb began stroking across the back of her hand. She let go and stepped back. Nodding she managed a whispered “Okay.”

She took a seat back in her armchair as he finally made it to the door of the vault, shooting a look at her before leaving. Missy tapped a rhythm of four on the arm of the chair occasionally absentmindedly scratching at her own arm. _One two three four. One two three four_. She tapped the never ending beat so familiar to her yet so absent from her mind, the deafening silence now filled with screams. Half an hour. One thousand eight hundred beats of four then he’d be back.


End file.
